A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
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A Call for More
Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned
citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such
warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important
area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics.We are therefore proposing
that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in
the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below.Warning: This Product
Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe,Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional tothe Product of the
Masses and Inversely Proportional to the DistanceBetween Them.Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the
Energy Equivalent of 85Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.Handle with Extreme Care: This Product
Contains Minute ElectricallyCharged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred MillionMiles
per Hour.Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossiblefor the Consumer to Find
Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where ThisProduct Is and How Fast It Is Moving.Advisory: There is an
Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through aProcess Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May
Spontaneously Disappearfrom Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in theUniverse, Including
Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will NotBe Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May
Result.Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain SuggestedVersions of a Grand Unified Theory,
the Primary Particles Constituting ThisProduct May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
MillionYears.This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This MerchandiseShould Contact
Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion WillResult.Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of
This Product, in Any MannerWhatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That ThisProcess Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death
of the Universe.Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Togetherby a 'Gluing' Force
About Which Little Is Currently Known and WhoseAdhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently
Guaranteed.Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,the Consumer Is Advised
That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of99.9999999999% Empty Space.New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer:
The Manufacturer May TechnicallyBe Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However,
theConsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above andBeyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the SevenNew Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That
TheyCannot Be Detected.Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When theConsumer Is Not
Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist orWill Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State.Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,Protons, etc.) Comprising This
Product Are Exactly the Same in EveryMeasurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers,and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.Health Warning: Care
Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, SinceIts Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
Relative to theUser.Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, IncludingThis Product, May
One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally SmallSpace. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge,
the Existence ofThis Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.
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