Christmas downsizing
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downsizing
|Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve
Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition,
their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three
French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced
by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by
the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for
institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven
swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a
dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The
high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A
substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by
the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to
scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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