Retire Aged Personell Early
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Early
Retire Aged Personell EarlyTO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEESFROM GOVERNING BOREDDATE 22 APR 19861.
As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we mustdrastically cut most salaries and reduce our number
of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,thus permitting management to
focus its abuse on youngeremployees who represent our future.2. Therefore, a program to phase out older
personnel by theend of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. The
program will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will begiven the
opportunity to work other jobs within the system atgreatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program
iscalled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).3. All employees who have been RAPED
or SCREWED may applyfor a new re- employment eligibility service. This service willbe called SHAFT (Study by
Higher Authority FollowingTermination). Current regulations state that employees may onlybe RAPED once and
SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT asmany times as management deems appropriate.4. If an
employee meets all of the above requirements,he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of
RetiredPersons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plansince the employee can no longer be
RAPED and SCREWED bymanagement. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for ImmediateDisplacement Service
(AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,one should only request this service once.5. Employees can
enhance their retention prospects bysigning up for additional training. It is now and always has beenthe
policy of management to ensure all employees are well trainedthrough our Special High Intensity Training
(SHIT). We have givenour employees more SHIT than any other organization in thecountry. If any employee
feels he/she does not receive enoughSHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management
isespecially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT youcan stand.6. To ensure equal treatment
of all MCCCD employees, onlyupper-management and their selected brown-noses will be givenraises and exempt
status from the above programs. Yu Bien Haad MCCCD GOVERNING BOREDP.S. We in
upper management would like to once again applaudthe HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable
study;heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!
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