Technical Night Before Christmas
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Technical Night Before Christmas 'Twas
the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our
place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from
the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding
an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the
honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit
confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal had coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon
the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration,
nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent
crystalline precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my
incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and
nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertignious velocity than patriotic
alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile
location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal
pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the
walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted
playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with
reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which
suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes forming a tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of
holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent
abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was,
in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation
on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from
the aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt aboutface, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his
conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered
quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
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