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The College Food Chain
The College Food Chain THE
DEANLeaps tall buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding
bulletWalks on waterGives policy to GodTHE DEPARTMENT HEADLeaps short buildings in a single boundIs more
powerful than a switch engineIs just as fast as a speeding bulletTalks with GodPROFESSORLeaps short
buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engineIs faster than a
speeding BBWalks on water in an indoor swimming poolTalks with God if a special request is honoredASSOCIATE
PROFESSORBarely clears a quonset hutLoses tug of war with a locomotiveCan fire a speeding bulletSwims wellIs
occassionally addressed by GodASSISTANT PROFESSORMakes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall
buildingsIs run over by locomotivesCan sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injuryTreads
waterTalks to animalsINSTRUCTORClimbs walls continuallyRides the railsPlays Russian RouletteWalks on thin
icePrays a lotGRADUATE STUDENTRuns into buildingsRecognizes locomotives two out of three timesIs not issued
ammunitionCan stay afloat with a life jacketTalks to wallsUNDERGRADUATE STUDENTFalls over doorstep when
trying to enter buildingsSays "Look at the choo-choo"Wets himself with a water pistolPlays in mud
puddlesMumbles to himselfDEPARTMENT SECRETARYLifts buildings and walks under themKicks locomotives off the
tracksCatches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats themFreezes water with a single glanceShe IS God.
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